Vanna's insides

Vanna's insides

Wednesday, January 29, 2014

So, Now What?

I've always been much better at drastic changes made immediately, big alterations in life plans, rather than slowly working, day by day, to achieve my goals, and/or affect long-term change in my life. 

So now I live in a van.  And it's exactly what I thought it would be... maybe better.  Now I have to actually take advantage and put into practice all the reasons I gave for deciding to do it.

Talking to a friend today (who kindly let me park in their driveway last night and use their shower this morning), I realized that this, just like shaving my head--though a little strange--feels like a more truthful way of being for right now.  There's something to peeling back the layers that I have built up around me, the different ways of hiding I've created.  Shaving my head was an incredible decision, one that I'm so grateful for (even if I have to remind myself to feel gratitude during the current awkward growth stage).  The most obvious effects its had have been on my self-esteem, my relationship with my body and sexuality, and my way of dressing.

My body matched my personality: loud.  I received a lot of attention for my curves--from men and women, often, negative (or unjust).  A few years ago I had a breast reduction; after bic-ing my head (that's just an expression, in actuality I used my Venus-- I'm a modern girl after all), I realized that for all of this time I've been dressing in a way of warding off the assumptions often made about me and my "big rack."  Shaving my head gave me the freedom to explore my femininity, sexuality and way of dressing because all of a sudden I felt like the assumptions (slut/tease/what have you) no longer applied, because in my mind, men would no longer find me attractive without hair so I was safe to explore fabrics, shapes, cuts.

I don't know where van life is leading me yet, but hopefully given some time, the results will be equally as beneficial...

After dozens of times being asked why I shaved my head, the answer came out spontaneously and (100%) truthfully: to get to know myself better.  I think this will be somewhat the same.  So here's hoping I like what I find, ya?


  1. I can relate to he notion of shaving your head so u could find femininity. My whole life I have always worn one item tight and one item loose. I died my hair brown, black, purple so I could do my makeup and wear sexy clothes. I had to feel a bit like a boy to feel like I could really be a woman. In sure its different for u.... but on some level I can relate and I love your post. Has me thinking.

  2. i totally get all of this, miss. thanks for commenting lady.