I think this is supposed to feel better...
Tonight I am too awake in my recently leased one-bedroom apartment. The need for more work in order to pay for it is forever on my mind. The truth is I'm miserable. I feel ungrateful for my circumstances and cowardly for my hesitations about changing them.
Urban van-dwelling was not hard. Urban van-dwelling and working a 9-5 corporate job was hard. But this, this scraping by for something you can see isn't what it is supposed to be, this is harder. This is affecting my spirit in a way that scares me. And everyone around me keeps getting drunker, and now for the first time, I feel close to joining them just to take my mind off of it all for an hour or two.
I don't mind (too much) the doing of a job, the working, solely for someone else's gain, I genuinely do enjoy my vocation; I mind that not being enough. I mind those hours not being enough of a sacrifice and more being required of me in order to merely stay afloat. And more is what I feel is being taken from me when I'm still struggling even after accomplishing what has been asked of me, what I've been told is required of me, and what I've been force-fed into believing could bring me some peace...